My first night of grad school consisted of 180 minutes in a course called Theories in Art Therapy and Counseling. There was the usual reviewing of the syllabus and an introductory presentation on the importance of understanding both concept and relevance of various psychological theories.
What was different from any college experience I have ever had was a short art session in which we were asked to "draw an advertisement about yourself" for an introduction portion of the class. I think my social anxiety coupled with multiple insecurities (Real quick: 1. I have zero knowledge of art therapy; I have a BFA in Graphic Design. 2. I'm new to LIU Post. 75% of my classmates did their undergrad degree here and already have established friends and networks. 3. I haven't been a student in 7 years.) resulted in a missed opportunity to show people what matters to me. The word "advertisement" immediately sent me into my graphic designer mentality. Before I was consciously aware of what I was drawing, I had scribbled out 3 vertical rectangles on the left side of paper.
“ I have been a graphic designer for corporate communications agencies that pride themselves on helping our clients tell their story to the world. And I couldn’t even tell my own. I was, to borrow Holden Caulfield’s favorite term, a phony. And everyone was about to find out.”
Once I realized the shapes I was forming and what they reminded me of, I began to fill in the rectangles with important literary works that have shaped my life. The French Lieutenant's Woman obviously claimed some space (see Post 1: The World is an Organism) as did Bradbury's fantastic Fahrenheit 451. I added a geometric form with a succulent inside it, as well as a few other books. In the upper right corner I drew a corkboard with a few pinned photographs.
We only had 15-20 minutes to do this. All I could think about for the first 30 seconds was How am I supposed to do this in 20 minutes!? Panic was brewing in my stomach. My hands were actually shaking. My next thought was What the hell am I supposed to say about myself? Social introductions are hard for me. Always have been. I've gotten by my entire life using sports teams as a way to break the ice and create some friendships. And now I was in a room full of talented artists who are very intelligent and observant and probably looking to pick apart everyone's work (okay this was the anxiety talking).
This nauseating wave of uncertainty and inadequacy was launching itself up my throat. I had this overwhelming fear of being scrutinized and judged. I hadn't drawn critically since my junior year of undergrad, and even then I wasn't that great. My drawing looked inexperienced, impersonal and boring. I have been a graphic designer for corporate communications agencies that pride themselves on helping our clients tell their story to the world. And I couldn't even tell my own. I was, to borrow Holden Caulfield's favorite term, a phony. And everyone was about to find out.
I can't say what my small group thought about me. I don't remember what I said about myself. I just remember observing glazed over faces and lack of interest. Everyone else in the group asked each other questions. They wanted to know more about each other. To be honest, I felt the same! I met a girl from Taiwan who came here specifically for this program because her country doesn't offer it. I met a guy from Ohio who loves photography and was taking school portraits to make ends meet. I met a girl who is a full-time art teacher at a local high school while also attending this program. It was a welcome distraction from my own worries. I was more interested in other people than I was in my own internal dilemmas. Next week, we will be broken out into different groups and get to meet more of our peers. Hopefully this time I can relax and produce a drawing that is more playful and open.